I am an unknown blogger, photographer day dreamer, future urban developer and was a teenage musician. I love doing a lot of things and facing my fears can be considered as one of the best solution for me to move forward. But, there’s still few questions in my mind, why it happens? Why do I struggle these same issues and when will I learn properly on handling fast decisions? How can I lead my own way?
My daily routine is, to wake up (still with sadness), and while taking shower, I am thinking How will I face my everyday issues? ‘Til I ended my day of just ignoring unproper things. I travel 40 minutes from hom
e to work and work to home. When I am not too busy designing, all struggles are coming again in my mind ‘til I decided again to ignore it all but I know on the next day I’ll be thinking the same.
My hubby? Listening to Demi Lovato’s song and other bands’ music. Watching movies also gives me positive way of thinking. I was laughing and smiling but I don’t want to lie with myself every day, I ‘ve tried to understand people’s differences but for some time, I have to think of myself too, I should avoid things which may curse me to total sadness.
I prefer to listen on loud and pop-rock song, really it heals my pain sometimes. Now, I am thinking of switching my personality into “Real me”. I was quiet, not too loud and doesn’t have opinion in everything, well I must bring it back.
I don’t write blogs just for me to get popular, let’s be real, I am writing blocks usually in the morning to express my feelings without speaking out about it. I am praying and praising God as well through writing but most of the time, I refuse His word’s as I am not doing the right things, I have to improve myself on this matter.
With pains and hardship these couple of months ago, I’ve learned to deal with issues which may lead me into total darkness. Ignorance maybe is the best thing to do when common people will cause you painful rejection. I don’t blame anybody for this sadness, maybe this is about myself, I believe that no one can cure the bleeding wounds on our chest, it’s only myself who can put bandage on it ‘til it heals, I will be accepting persons in my life again.
Sometimes I need to think myself too. I helped people out of their loneliness but I think it’s time for me to heal mine. But how? Through darkness or through contentment in righteousness?
I am confused, may I use darkness for me to be in total righteousness? Maybe. I don’t think I am a psychopath and either normal one, since childhood I am seeing my good and bad side, I don’t know how it happens that ever since, it seems like there’s something missing. If I chose this, I will be thinking that I should chose that and if I chose that, I will be thinking that I should chose this.
I tried a lot of times on coming back to my origin of being involved in a good community but there’s always some unexpected things that brings me out again of control, emotions and feelings will not save as all but this hits me all the time. How can I dictate my mind to be plain? To be transparent on all things, how to balance life without hurting other people and myself.
Most of the time, I am wishing to be a living human only without emotions, just theoretical. ‘Til now, I am asking myself, how can I meditate myself from sadness and pain and praying to get over it.
